If there is one thing that all organisations concerned about the welfare of children agree, it is that the welfare of children depends on the welfare of parents. A stressed or sick parent will struggle to provide the care that children need, and this does not change with the age of the child. Whether your children are babies or adolescents, they need you, and that means you have to learn to look after yourself.

This means routinely taking time to do things that support your health, both mental and physical—and not always subordinating your needs to those of your children or your family more generally. This page explains the concept of self-care for parents, and why you sometimes need to put your own needs first.

What is Self-Care for Parents?

Self-care for parents is about making sure that you are well—and crucially, well enough to look after and care for your children.

The safety announcements on airlines always tell you that if the oxygen masks drop from the ceiling, you should first put yours on, and then help your child. Why? Because if you don’t, you are likely to be unable to help your child, and both of you will have a problem. This is similar to the concept of self-care in parenting.

Let’s repeat that: you have to look after yourself if you are to be able to look after your child(ren).

Self-care is defined as anything you do that makes you happy, and helps to keep you mentally, physically and emotionally healthy.

It takes a wide variety of forms, because it is all about what works for you.

For some people, it is about having time to take exercise alone or in company. Others will prioritise sleep, or time alone, perhaps spent reading or doing a hobby. Still others will prefer to take time to have a long, hot bath without interruptions, or spend time with friends.

The precise form doesn’t matter—it’s just what gives you pleasure and enables you to feel calm, grounded and well.

Why Does Self-Care Matter?

When you first become a parent, the needs of your new baby can feel all-consuming.

Many new parents report feeling that they have lost their identity in the face of this being that needs them so much. This may be compounded for women in particular by maternity leave, which removes your ‘work identity’ for a period. For stay-at-home parents, it can be even worse, because there is no ‘outside identity’ to retreat into when you feel overwhelmed by your children’s needs.

When you take your children to baby or toddler activities, you can find this feeling reinforced. Many providers ask you to introduce your children but your own name is never mentioned. You become, quite literally, ‘so-and-so’s mummy or daddy’—and this loss of identity can be devastating for many people.

How can you reclaim ‘you’, and stop being ‘just’ a parent?

The answer is by practising self-care from the very first days of parenting—and continuing to do so in the longer term, even when you go back to work, your children start school, move onto secondary school, and even move out.

Self-care is vital for all of us. It is key part of maintaining and supporting good mental and physical health. It is, however, perhaps even more important for parents for two reasons:

1. As we said before, you cannot look after your children if you are not well. Practising self-care is likely to make you a better, more involved and more engaged parent, because you are not grudging the time spent on your children; and

2. Practising effective self-care as a parent will teach your children the importance of looking after themselves. This will set them up for a lifetime of better health—and help to ensure that when they have children of their own, they understand the value of self-care.

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Self-Care Tips: Getting Started

How can you get started with self-care as a parent? Here are some tips to help.

1. Share out the self-care time

Self-care isn’t only for mums, or only for dads. You both need time to yourselves to do things that make you happy.

However, it is important to make sure that you have roughly equal time for this self-care.

If one of you has every Saturday off to go and watch or participate in sport, and the other only gets an hour one evening a week for a hot bath, you can be sure that resentment will build up. That will not be healthy for anyone. Take time to discuss what you would both like, and make sure that you both get equal opportunities for ‘me-time’.

Make sure that you are giving each other enough self-care time as well as getting enough for yourself. Remember that you are a partnership.

2. Keep an eye out for ‘mission-creep’ over time

With the best will in the world, things change over time, and ‘mission-creep’ is certain. Self-care can sometimes feel a bit expendable—especially if it’s your partner’s time—and you may find that you have committed to more than you can manage. If so, self-care is likely to be suffering.

Keep an eye on your self-care time—and that of your partner—and make sure it doesn’t get lost because of an extra children’s activity, a new job, or other pressure on your time.

If your self-care is starting to suffer, carve out a bit more time. Your children almost certainly won’t miss toddler gymnastics, or that extra after-school club for martial arts. However, they will definitely value having a calmer, happier parent.

3. Split your self-care into physical, mental/emotional and creative/spiritual

There are three types of self-care, and they all matter. They are:

• Physical self-care, which looks after your physical body. Examples include exercising, playing sport, having a massage, or having a bath.

• Mental or emotional self-care, which looks after your mind. Examples include listening to music or a podcast, spending time in nature, perhaps in the garden, or spending time with friends.

• Creative or spiritual self-care, which nourishes your soul. This is an old-fashioned concept, and if you prefer, you can think of it as things that support Maslov’s concept of self-actualisation (and there is more about that in our page on Personal Development). Examples include writing or drawing for pleasure, or learning something new.

Try to do things that fit each of these, not just one. They are all important in different ways.

4. Develop a routine that builds in self-care

It is important to remember that self-care isn’t a one-off, or an occasional treat. It needs to be something that you do regularly.

Build it into your routine, so that you always have time for it. If you don’t, it will be the first thing to go when you are busy or stressed—and that, in turn, will make you feel worse, and less able to cope. It is far better to keep your self-care regular than grab time to deal with it as an emergency situation.

5. Remember that self-care doesn’t have to take long

Sometimes you will want to spend a few hours, or even a whole day, on your self-care.

However, sometimes just 10 minutes of breathing, stretching, or chatting to a friend may be enough to help you feel better and more focused. It is worth trying lots of different activities to see which ones help you feel calmer. Breathwork is not for everyone, but it could be right for you.

Our pages on Relaxation Techniques may help you to identify some options that work well for you.

6. As your children grow, make sure that they build in self-care too

Make sure that your children also have time to do the things that make them happy.

When they are little, it’s easy. You just have to facilitate time outdoors, or set up playdates, or give them playdough at opportune moments. Spending time with you, and having your attention, is likely to be the most important aspect for them at this stage.

However, as they get older, they too come under pressure. Schoolwork takes over more of their time, especially as public exams loom. They may feel that they should be spending all their time studying or revising.

This is where you come in. The good practice that you have (hopefully) shown them over many years will show them that they should take time to look after themselves.

You can add to this by encouraging them to leave their studies periodically to do things that give them pleasure. Help them to see friends, or go out for a walk, run or bike ride. Make sure that they keep up with music, sport or other extra-curricular activities during exams and revision time, and generally support their work–life balance.

7. If you need help, ask for it

Part of self-care is being able to ask for help when you need it.

That might be from your partner, your parents, or your children, as they grow a bit older, or it might be from outside your immediate family. For example, you might ask friends to meet you regularly, or join you for exercise, to ensure that you take time for yourself. You might also seek professional help from your doctor or other healthcare professionals if you feel you are not coping.

If you feel a bit overwhelmed, simply talking to your family about how you feel can really help. It also shows your children that it’s OK not to feel good all the time.

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A Final Thought

It is easy to let other people’s needs take over your life, especially when you have children.

We all tend to prioritise our children; it is nature of parenting. However, it is essential to ensure that you also take care of yourself. Put your own oxygen mask on first, because without it, you won’t be able to help anyone else.

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